Good for her vs. Why not me?

I can’t even accurately tally how many times I’ve heard women friends of mine speak of how hard it is to find good female friends.

The words caddy, jealous and competitive come to mind. I try and think of a time in my own life when women did not feel the need to compete and I can’t find it.

Grade school was the worst for me…

The mean girls.
Being bullied because my family was poor.
Not understanding why I couldn’t be friends with everyone just because I lived in a trailor park.

I became good at adapting and adjusting. Eventually I got to the point where social status and money did not matter.

Or.so.I.thought.

Why is it impossible for us as women to support each other.
It shouldn’t be.

Why is it so hard for us to be happy for another woman when things turn out well for her
It shouldn’t be.

Why do we think “why not me?” instead of “good for her”?

Why can’t we help one another be the best we can be?
We can be.

Being women who inspire and support means more than just sharing quotes that are deep and written by someone else, more than just the half-hearted compliments we pay each other when we get news our friends dreams are coming true, more than the occasional “cute shoes, pretty profile pic and the ever so flat “oh cool.”

These are things we often times feel we must say, to be nice. Well nice isn’t always genuine.

I think it’s time as women we reach into that place where we love to tuck our insecurities away and give it a stir.

I think it’s time we look in the mirror, not to straighten our mascara, not to make sure we are the best dressed girl at the ball….but to see what part about ourselves we love and face the fears that house our insecurities. Grab them and hold onto them until we are able to naturally overcome them.

Overcome them when your best friend tells you she just got news of being featured in a magazine and you first instinct is jealousy.

Rather than allowing the usual response be one of a half-A attempt to say something nice and retreat back into the fear box, picture how happy you’d be in her shoes and take that positive energy to inspire yourself to do more.

Overcome them when you see others being more successful at something you are still struggling to do.

Use their example to excite you for the future; to give you hope that if dreams can come true for others, they can for you as well.

Overcome that age old feminine nature that tells us to judge other women because they are different than us.

Difference is necessary for inspiration, for progression, for us to challenge ourselves.

Overcome the mean girl in us who wants to gossip about things we truly do not understand.

It always comes back around and we all know what it’s like to be on the other side.

Overcome the insane idea that we must be the best at everything.

It’s not logical. It’s not healthy. It’s not possible.

As women, we should not only be supporting each other, but we should be giving a little grace as well. I want my daughter to understand the importance of lending a hand to her girlfriends, the importance of not judging things from the outside, the importance of surrounding herself with girls that love her.

I am inspired daily by the struggles and triumphs of the women around me. I could be jealous (and at times I am) of things they do and have happen to them. I could not care if they were successful. I could make assumptions about them when I have no clue what they are going through. I could, and I have, but I want to be different.

I want to do my best to help and share and accept.

My daughter will not be a good person just because I tell her to be. She will not be a hard worker if she believes beauty is the only way to get something. She will not trust anyone, if those close to her are not happy for her.

She will however be the product of what surrounds her.

“We” will be the products of what surrounds us.

I say we all work on what surrounds us;)

I would love to hear your thoughts… so leave me a comment or send me an email!

KS
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26 Comments to “Good for her vs. Why not me?”

  1. This was a beautiful entry and so so true, i am sharing it with my friends in hopes to inspire them as well. I myself am guilty of hanging around mostly guy friends and have 1 girlfriend I think gets the real me. Thank you for this post! ❤ always jules

  2. I couldn’t agree more with this! I was just having a conversation about this today with my mother in law. Even in her sixties she is still having a hard time finding good girlfriends. I love that you said we should view our friend’s accomplishments, not with jealousy, but with the idea that we too can accomplish great things if she can. I know there have been times where I get jealous and I feel that it’s harder with a close friend, not to be jealous, then it is a woman you know from a distance. For instance, I am easily inspired by you with photography and such, and don’t feel jealous. But with a photographer friend that I know who is close and in my area I would have a harder time to not feel jealous of. Does that make sense? Does anyone else feel the same? Especially when it comes to creativity and such?

  3. Totally true, surround yourself with people who up lift you and it’s okay at first to have that feeling of jealousy but recognize it and go pass that for you are the lucky person hearing about the awesome news your friend wants to share with you. Thank you for sharing Kimberly.

  4. Totally true, surround yourself with people who up lift you and it’s okay at first to have that feeling of jealousy but recognize it and go pass that for you are the lucky person hearing about the awesome news your friend wants to share with you. Thank you for sharing Kimberly.

  5. Kimster I love how amazingly awesome you are with words and I meand it from the bottom of my heart. You wrot ethis so beautifully and true. I often wonder the same thing and I had an epiphany about this just recently and ever since then I can’t help but feel like weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Why are women like this we are guilty and can’t deny it and sometimes it comes so natural and that’s the scary part. I see my Leo and he seems to have no cattyness what so ever and I envy that and I want that and he inspires me to be a better person. I am so glad you wrote because I hope other women read it and take it all in and make a change. 🙂

    Zelina

  6. Kimster I love how amazingly awesome you are with words and I meand it from the bottom of my heart. You wrot ethis so beautifully and true. I often wonder the same thing and I had an epiphany about this just recently and ever since then I can’t help but feel like weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Why are women like this we are guilty and can’t deny it and sometimes it comes so natural and that’s the scary part. I see my Leo and he seems to have no cattyness what so ever and I envy that and I want that and he inspires me to be a better person. I am so glad you wrote because I hope other women read it and take it all in and make a change. 🙂

    Zelina

  7. beautiful post and oh so TRUE!
    xoxo
    tara

  8. beautiful post and oh so TRUE!
    xoxo
    tara

  9. Kim…this is very true and eloquently put. God has placed many wonderful women around me and I’m sure I have a few haters (we all do). Heehee…The important thing is to be an example to the young women and girls that we are around. Thanks for sharing! Muah! LG

  10. Kim…this is very true and eloquently put. God has placed many wonderful women around me and I’m sure I have a few haters (we all do). Heehee…The important thing is to be an example to the young women and girls that we are around. Thanks for sharing! Muah! LG

  11. This is so true and so beautifully written. I too find myself feeling jealous when a girlfriend has good news to share with me. After a few minutes of fake smiling and forcing out a few monotonous congratulatory phrases I actually catch myself feverishly thinking of ways to beat her in this competition of life that only I am aware of. Time to look in the mirror and make me more comfortable with myself so I can truly appreciate the moments when the women dear to me have good news. Thanks Zelina for sharing Kimberly’s blog on Facebook. I’m a fan and will be sharing this too. Hopefully it inspires women to make a change.

    Thanks again for this!! 🙂

  12. This is so true and so beautifully written. I too find myself feeling jealous when a girlfriend has good news to share with me. After a few minutes of fake smiling and forcing out a few monotonous congratulatory phrases I actually catch myself feverishly thinking of ways to beat her in this competition of life that only I am aware of. Time to look in the mirror and make me more comfortable with myself so I can truly appreciate the moments when the women dear to me have good news. Thanks Zelina for sharing Kimberly’s blog on Facebook. I’m a fan and will be sharing this too. Hopefully it inspires women to make a change.

    Thanks again for this!! 🙂

  13. How true!! Since I’ve started looking at other photographers that are working their asses off to make things happen for themselves, I have become much more confident and aware of how much hard work can pay off and not just expect it to happen to me because I want it too. I think I’ve actually started working harder and being nicer because of these inspiring women who are in the same shoes I’m in or who have been at some point. I see good things happening to good women and am finally at the point in my life when I’m not jealous or “why isn’t that me?” But at the point where I can say “Hell Yeah” for them and it just makes me work that much harder to be where I want to be. Your posts are always so well written and inspiring!! Thanks so much for sharing:)

  14. How true!! Since I’ve started looking at other photographers that are working their asses off to make things happen for themselves, I have become much more confident and aware of how much hard work can pay off and not just expect it to happen to me because I want it too. I think I’ve actually started working harder and being nicer because of these inspiring women who are in the same shoes I’m in or who have been at some point. I see good things happening to good women and am finally at the point in my life when I’m not jealous or “why isn’t that me?” But at the point where I can say “Hell Yeah” for them and it just makes me work that much harder to be where I want to be. Your posts are always so well written and inspiring!! Thanks so much for sharing:)

  15. kim, this is so inspiring. you’re words have challenged me this morning. as a parent of two girls i need to make sure that i’m cultivating these truths and values into their life on a daily basis. my oldest is in 3rd grade and this year something in her has changed. kids can be so cruel, but i’m determined to teach my daughters to be tame with their tongue and put out that flame of jealousy. thanks for taking the time to share your convictions. 🙂

  16. kim, this is so inspiring. you’re words have challenged me this morning. as a parent of two girls i need to make sure that i’m cultivating these truths and values into their life on a daily basis. my oldest is in 3rd grade and this year something in her has changed. kids can be so cruel, but i’m determined to teach my daughters to be tame with their tongue and put out that flame of jealousy. thanks for taking the time to share your convictions. 🙂

  17. Enjoyed this post, Kim. I could not agree with you more about women supporting each other. I value the female relationships I do have, but I have found that even with those few, there is a certain amount of “good for you” I get from some of them that I don’t understand. It is not real support, because it is as if I don’t deserve it or something. Know what I mean? Even still, I refuse to be the kind of friend they have been to me, but I will not be a doormat for a vindictive woman either. If you want people to treat you well, you have to let it start with you.

  18. Enjoyed this post, Kim. I could not agree with you more about women supporting each other. I value the female relationships I do have, but I have found that even with those few, there is a certain amount of “good for you” I get from some of them that I don’t understand. It is not real support, because it is as if I don’t deserve it or something. Know what I mean? Even still, I refuse to be the kind of friend they have been to me, but I will not be a doormat for a vindictive woman either. If you want people to treat you well, you have to let it start with you.

  19. I’m retired now, so don’t really have to worry about it in the workplace anymore. But I started working in the early 70s. It always annoyed me to no end whenever I would see a woman finally breaking a glass ceiling only to hear another woman cast negative aspersions on her. Sometimes it was a snarky remark about how she moved up the ranks. Other times, you’d just hear “I don’t like to work for women.” As if it was even possible for all women bosses to be bad and all men bosses to be good?

    I’ve wondered OFTEN why women would do that to other women. You certainly never hear a man say “I don’t like to work for men.”!!

    Unfortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion that this kind of behavior stems from a natural selection kind of thing – from survival tactics back in the cave man days that is embedded in some women’s DNA. If put in a position of competition with other women, I think that old embedded DNA comes to the fore, but I believe THINKING women can recognize that gut instinct for what it is & make the conscious choice to put those competitive feelings aside & be the true female friend every woman would just love to have. I really loved your post, Kim, & love the message you send to all of us. Let’s help each other out, ladies, and let’s celebrate our wins! When any one of us wins, we all win! Namaste.

  20. I’m retired now, so don’t really have to worry about it in the workplace anymore. But I started working in the early 70s. It always annoyed me to no end whenever I would see a woman finally breaking a glass ceiling only to hear another woman cast negative aspersions on her. Sometimes it was a snarky remark about how she moved up the ranks. Other times, you’d just hear “I don’t like to work for women.” As if it was even possible for all women bosses to be bad and all men bosses to be good?

    I’ve wondered OFTEN why women would do that to other women. You certainly never hear a man say “I don’t like to work for men.”!!

    Unfortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion that this kind of behavior stems from a natural selection kind of thing – from survival tactics back in the cave man days that is embedded in some women’s DNA. If put in a position of competition with other women, I think that old embedded DNA comes to the fore, but I believe THINKING women can recognize that gut instinct for what it is & make the conscious choice to put those competitive feelings aside & be the true female friend every woman would just love to have. I really loved your post, Kim, & love the message you send to all of us. Let’s help each other out, ladies, and let’s celebrate our wins! When any one of us wins, we all win! Namaste.

  21. Hmm. I always find it hard to understand when women say they can’t find any good women friends. I am not saying I haven’t had my bad experiences or have not always behaved the way I should but over the years (I am 44) I have had the chance to meet so many amazing women. They are hopelessly flawed like I am, confused, uncertain, joyful, scared and beautiful no matter what they look like. I have worked in industries that were mostly women and they are a mixed bag for sure. I think envy is something that is natural and instead of being driven down, it should be accepted and then turned into something better. We all have a dark side, the shadow self that doesn’t have good manners, is snarky and sarcastic, jealous, bitchy. It doesn’t have to rule us though. Knowing it’s there, calling it what it is and not being afraid of it is wonderful freedom. Women are awesome! Women like you Kimberly. I think one of the best things in the world is to sincerly celebrate someone else’s success. I can feel a twinge of, “oh I wish that were me.” but in the end, would I want to trade places with anyone? nope. I don’t like everything about myself or my life, but it is just that, mine, me. I’ll take that every time. I enjoyed reading everyone’s thoughts on this. I must say that I find it difficult to trust women who say they can’t trust other women. Does that make sense?
    I really like your blog, your photos and that gorgeous bump on your nose!

  22. Hmm. I always find it hard to understand when women say they can’t find any good women friends. I am not saying I haven’t had my bad experiences or have not always behaved the way I should but over the years (I am 44) I have had the chance to meet so many amazing women. They are hopelessly flawed like I am, confused, uncertain, joyful, scared and beautiful no matter what they look like. I have worked in industries that were mostly women and they are a mixed bag for sure. I think envy is something that is natural and instead of being driven down, it should be accepted and then turned into something better. We all have a dark side, the shadow self that doesn’t have good manners, is snarky and sarcastic, jealous, bitchy. It doesn’t have to rule us though. Knowing it’s there, calling it what it is and not being afraid of it is wonderful freedom. Women are awesome! Women like you Kimberly. I think one of the best things in the world is to sincerly celebrate someone else’s success. I can feel a twinge of, “oh I wish that were me.” but in the end, would I want to trade places with anyone? nope. I don’t like everything about myself or my life, but it is just that, mine, me. I’ll take that every time. I enjoyed reading everyone’s thoughts on this. I must say that I find it difficult to trust women who say they can’t trust other women. Does that make sense?
    I really like your blog, your photos and that gorgeous bump on your nose!

  23. Oh cool…jaykay!!! Kim i, will be the first to say i am so guilty of being jealous and a mean girl, not so much as when i was a teen but guilty none the less. Hey “you cant fix what you dont acknowledge”, right…i’ve been reading this entry for the last week, & I ‘ll continue to read it until it totally sinks in (a.d.d. you know). I know it will. Because I want to be a better mother, wife, a better me. Thank you for this.

  24. Oh cool…jaykay!!! Kim i, will be the first to say i am so guilty of being jealous and a mean girl, not so much as when i was a teen but guilty none the less. Hey “you cant fix what you dont acknowledge”, right…i’ve been reading this entry for the last week, & I ‘ll continue to read it until it totally sinks in (a.d.d. you know). I know it will. Because I want to be a better mother, wife, a better me. Thank you for this.

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