in a hand basket…Diary of a sick girl: 5

Madi_joy_005




“How
well
I
have
learned
that
there
is
no
fence
to
sit
on
between
heaven
and
hell.
There
is
a
deep,
wide
gulf,
a
chasm,
and
in
that
chasm
is
no
place
for
any
man.”

*Johnny Cash                                                                                       

i have spent to much time in the chasm.
allowing my life to be hell instead of heaven.
i have decided to not let this destroy me.
i choose.
i will no longer give power to hopeless
feelings.
i choose.
i have an understanding of how i have to live now.
i choose.
i recognize that the pity party should be over.
i choose.
i may not be able to choose what
happens to me…but i can choose how i react.
i can’t choose another body.
but i can take care of the one i have.
so i choose heaven.
i will always choose heaven.

UPDATE: i have finally gotten some answers…

1. i have fibromyalgia
2. i have occipital neuropathy (which is something in my neck/ head)
3. i have an early onset of migraine disease

so at least i have names to things now and the trial and error process begins…so any suggestions…let me know.

i had no idea how many people had these same things until now…thanks for opening up and sharing all your stories with me…i can’t list you all, but thanks for "choosing" to open yourselves up to a complete stranger.

so what to expect from me now:

i will be taking photos and painting and scrapping as my body permits.
i will not feel guilty when it does not.
i will be focusing on my family and my health…
but i have already started the wheels moving creatively.
i will be "making" and "capturing"…just on a more regulated level:)

again…thank for everything from everyone…this wonderful world of caring and creative women has inspired me to let go of my bitterness…which was created as a result of many different things.

but i choose. and i choose heaven. in everything.

how about you?  anyone else choosing heaven with me?

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43 Comments to “in a hand basket…Diary of a sick girl: 5”

  1. Hi there…not sure how I found your blog but I read it a lot and don’t say a lot but I have to say I’ll keep you in prayer.
    I know it’s completely different, but having dealt with cancer and its effects the last 10 years (3 times with spinal cord cancer), I have dealt with a lot of side effects and pain.
    I have found doing creative things helps me SO much.
    If you ever want to chat, feel free to comment on my blog or email me.
    Rach

  2. gentle ((hugs))I’m happy that you finally have some answers. When I was diagnosed with fibro it really threw me for a loop. I’m finally coming to terms with it. I found, with the help of a naturopath, that a combination of vitamins and supplements and a strict anti-inflammatory diet works the best. Also, the more I move (yoga, swimming, pilates) the better I feel. Massage can also help a lot. Check out fatigued to fantastic by jacob teitelbaum. There are a few more books that I would recommend but I don’t have the names off-hand.
    Wishing you well.
    Melissa

  3. Oh, lovely girl.
    I choose it too.
    This is so hopeful and beautiful.
    Still thinking of you.

  4. Very glad that you finally have the answers you need and thank you for sharing them with us. Hopefully now the healing process is much easier for you.
    I’ll choose Heaven with ya! Lord knows I need some of that right now.

  5. so glad the answers have come
    Mind over matter
    Mind over matter
    luv
    Shell

  6. GOOD .. FINALLY .. BOUT TIME!
    Okay now remember what I told you the other morning .. baby steps lead to big steps that you can conquer and will conquer boo bear .. love you girl ..
    Sasha

  7. I’m so happy that you got answers. Now that you kwon what you have you can begin to heal.
    Just wanted to say you are amazing. You are so courageous and strong. It’s true you can’t always choose what is happening but you can choose what you do about it. Thanks for sharing.

  8. I’m glad you have some solid answers now. It doesn’t take away the pain you are in, but will definitely help you move forward. Just know that you will adjust to this and find out what works for you.
    Take Care –

  9. Oh Kim! I’m working on it myself! I’m so glad to hear that you got some answers! Now that you know what you’re dealing with, I just know that you’ll begin healing and become stronger and more inspiring than ever! {{{{HUGS}}}}} Love you!

  10. finally.
    so annoyed i can’t call right now. *friday*
    i choose heaven every time 🙂
    xxx

  11. Im so glad that they have a “name” for it. Please continue to hang in there and get better. Im like you, i chose heaven, but dont chose that just yet!

  12. Knowing is half the battle and I’m glad you finally got a diagnosis. I agree with Melissa, with fibro, you need to keep moving. Swimming is phenomenal, as is yoga. There are some great books out there too on it and great support groups as well. Stress causes flare ups, so diving into art or being in the pool has always helped me bring it back down. Hypnosis for stress relief is another wonder that I couldn’t do without.
    Wishing you the best and glad to hear that you are finally on a road to knowing, understanding, and conquering!

  13. I so glad that you finally received some answers, no matter how unappealing they are. I am, again, so proud of your choices. Keep your chin up, you ARE beating this!
    ~Tricia

  14. Yes Kimmy…I choose it with you 🙂 Glad you’ve got some answers. I hope now the doctors can get some sort of treatment going. Will continue to pray for strength.
    Steph
    http://andsocreate.blogspot.com

  15. hello..
    Im glad that you have some answers. let your own healing process begin.
    I’m praying with you, for you and also choosing heaven in everything.
    you are glorious.

  16. Oh kimmie, I’m so glad you finally have some answers and that you seem to be in such a better spirit!
    I also choose Heaven. Things in my life are not always picture perfect – I guess nobody really has that life, but sometimes it is just easier to swallow when I face it with God…I’ve tried the other way and was so miserable.
    I’m so happy for you and your family!
    keep looking up!
    love and continued prayers….

  17. I am so glad to hear you know what is going on, keep your head up girl its not the end of the world. You are a fighter, you are a strong woman and there is nothing and I mean nothing you cant conquer.
    Know how much I love you and I am always here for you.

  18. Choosing heaven… but choosing to glorify Him is all we do is just as important as where we go in the end… 🙂
    It is the least we can do considering the sacrifice we so don’t deserve, but were given..
    When you write “I choose” that is pretty cornerstone and key. To choose Him…
    It IS a choice. And nothing light about it. To choose the free gift… what a wonderful thing.

  19. migraine disease? early onset? what is that? i’ve had migraines since about the 4th grade, usually caused by certain foods and bright lights (i have to wear sunglasses anytime i’m outside, seriously). but i didn’t know it was considered a disease. lol i don’t want anymore diseases, thank you. i’ve got plenty (well, not all diseases, but isms and disorders). i looked on webmd for the fibromyalgia symptoms (just to understand what you’re up against), and man, that looks awful!
    so did you know you were having migraines? or was that the problem, that you didn’t know what was going on? or was it a combination of all three things that made them so hard to figure out?
    i guess i’m lucky to know when i’m getting a migraine, and can react proactively, if possible. one time i had one that lasted 4 days! sheesh! a couple times i’ve vomited from the pain, most of the time it’s light and sound sensitivity. sometimes i get bright ‘floaters’ in my vision so i know one is coming. and of course the muscle aches in my neck and shoulders. lovely. i take some excedrin migraine and that seems to be the best for me. i know people have them a lot more.
    i’ve learned to live with them, and i’m sure you’ll do fine! keep a journal also, when you get a migraine, write down what you did, ate, etc…anything that will help identify triggers. i get mine in clusters…which means i’ll have a bunch within a month or two, and then none for quite a while.
    knowledge is power sister! stay strong!

  20. and if i can offer a little laugh, you know how people ‘see’ things in clouds? it looks a lot like you’re looking up at cleavage in that photo, if you know what i mean! lol
    sorry, hope that doesn’t upset you. just thought it’d make you smile. 😀

  21. oh girl!
    i’m so happy that they finally found out what it all was so they can work on making you all better. i like joss will have to look that all up to learn more, but i’m just so relieved that you now know.
    big hugs to you and your family.
    ps…thanks for the inspirational post 🙂

  22. i found your blog through a flickr group. i read through it and adore your spirit and mindset. thanks for the inspiration and continue “choosing”…your words are a great reminder for all of us.
    take care of yourself and keep your family close.

  23. Just want to let you know, that there are women all over reading and feeling for you and your family! Big hug from Sweden, take big care of you and your family!
    Annika

  24. I remember getting diagnosed with Hyper Thyroidism. I honestly felt like my world just crumbled down on me. I choose heaven shorty after being sooo down on myself and asking God…WHY? WHY ME??? 3 years later im still alive and not letting the disease take over me. God Bless! You are very inpirational to share you story. Keep in mind God never gives us more then we can handle.
    Bless you and your family!

  25. Well im at least glad you know what it is now and i am praying for you of course still!

  26. sooooo glad you finally have a name…and now they can start treating…
    we’ll chat soon ..k? 🙂

  27. and i almost spit coke at what jocelynn said…THAT IS HYSTERICAL….i choose heaven too 🙂

  28. I do remember you. The last we were moving to Chicago when we last spoke. We are still in Provo planning to go back to school. I am glad that you found out what was wrong health wise it makes it easier to cope with. I wish you all the luck keep smiling.

  29. I do remember you the last we spoke you were heading to Chicago. I am glad that you have found the answer to you illness it makes it easier to cope with. I wish you luck keep on smiling.

  30. I have been reading your blog and flickr posts silently without commenting. You are definetly in my prayers each and every day. I remember going through what you went through 3 years ago. People thought I was crazy, I was so sick, they were ready to put me in a mental ward. Then they found out what it was, the migraines, the horrible horrible gut wrenching body contorting migraines and the pain…I had a type of seizure disorder, my temporal lobe was degenerating rapidly. And all of that for years and years, me thinking I was crazy, them thinking I was crazy. Turns out I wasn’t so crazy. I can’t imagine what you are going through, because I’m not you. The only thing I can offer is experience and empathy. And prayer..lots of prayer. I know what it is like however, to be an artist, and some days feel like your gift is gone…you feel guilty because you can’t or don’t want to, rather your mind and body just doesn’t want to create. Don’t feel guilty on those days, just go with it, let go and it will come back. Much luv and hugs, my friend.

  31. i am glad that you have some answers now.
    and i am with you.
    i choose heaven, no doubt!
    (hugs)

  32. it must be a little bit of a relief to at least have some names, which leads to a plan of actrion right? i’ll continue to be thinking of you! ..::hugs::..

  33. so glad you have answers and now can actively try to do what you need to do. hugs!!
    tara

  34. well it’s at least a bit of a relief to have a name to put to your suffering. you sound like you are feeling stronger – so happy to hear that! i’ll keep you in my prayers.

  35. just checking in as i see you’ve been active on flickr of late … so nice to see you out there again … you have seriously been missed! so happy you’ve got some answers. my mom suffered horribly from fibromyalgia and though i know it’s only a part of what’s going on with you, i can tell you that it was back when the public (and even some drs) didn’t believe it was “for real”, that her symptoms were exaggerated, that it was all in her head … i can’t imagine the frustration she lived with … but she read and researched and found foods, exercises and lots of other things that helped her and she truly has now managed it instead of it managing her.
    sorry to ramble, just want you to know that (as you’ve found) you are not alone and there is hope. there is always hope … you are so talented (you were the first to truly inspire and push me with my photography when i joined flickr … you probably don’t remember but i e-mailed you a couple times when i didn’t even know what actions were and you were so gracious in ALL of your replies back to me!
    you are special … look at all these amazing women, sisters pouring out their support. you make a difference. i’m sure you know that in your family and with your friends, but you also make a difference to many of us you’ve never met.
    thoughts and prayers to you. be well!
    traci 🙂

  36. I am glad you have some answers now,and i hope they can help you with it soon!I can not describe how much you inspire me.In times when i feel i am letting my kids down,your blog reminds me of the good things.
    thank you

  37. There is also a book called the Fibromyalgia workbook that is very helpful. It is big like a normal work book that helps you figure out what triggers your fibromyalgia symptoms. If you can find the trigger, alot of times you can lessen the symptoms by following some of the tips they give for which ever triggers effect you. Hope that makes sense.
    I was dx in 1996 with fibro. I have alot of other stuff too, I am all too aware of the feeling of omg what is wrong with me? why do I feel this way?
    I know it gets old everyone saying “BUT YOU LOOK SO GOOD”. even when you feel that you will like a bus hit you.
    I try to keep myself in check and focused that helps. Also when I get down, I try to remember, There is always someone out there so much worse off than I am.
    Look for the positive in your situation and focus on that even if it is I am so happy today I…. (can see the sun shining, was able to work on my art, didn’t cry when I brushed my hair) try to focus on the positive it really does help.
    Attitude is everything!!

  38. so glad to hear you have answerrs, take care, hugs anna x

  39. Be blessed. I do believe God does not put more on us than we can handle. This strengthens your Spirit and He sends you exactly what and who you need in your times of need. Take good care of yourself.

  40. *hugs kimmy oh so tight*
    I am so glad you have found answers.
    I too chose LIFE/Heaven when I was diagnosed. Once you set your mind on that path, life is so much easier.
    Sorry I have been absent. RL Work has been crazy -*hugs you* Nan

  41. Hi Kim
    I’m so glad that you finally have answers and that you are feeling better.
    You are definitely a fighter, a strong woman.
    Your courage and your faith will see you through this. I too choose life/heaven.
    Of course I will continue to pray for you and your family. Just remember too, that what satan tries to steal from you, he has to repay a 100-fold. The days you feel you have lost with your loved ones are not lost. I have no doubt that you are already making up for those days and making big memories.
    Hugs and prayers for you my friend
    Sandra

  42. I’m glad you got some answers too. I’ve been following your blog and was thinking about you tonight for some reason. I too have Fibromyalgia and Migraines along with a slew of other things that come along with it.
    It will get better, you will have good days and yes I do pray a lot. My one thing I can tell you that my Rueumatologist said that I just wouldn’t listen is don’t over do it and try to be like you used to. I didn’t listen and was sick for 6 months. I learned to tell people No. They can learn to understand. My family and I come first now.
    If you ever have any questions or want anyone to listen or need to vent to someone who understands feel free to email me. I understand and know what the road ahead will be like. I also have some websites and Yahoo groups that I’ve gotten a lot of info from in the past year.
    I’ll continue to pray for you.

  43. I am choosing Heaven with you girl. I have battled Fibro for almost 16 years. I will never allow it to steal my joy! Don’t let it steal yours either. Jenn

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