Right now I sit here thinking I should be writing about my sickness…"catching people up if you will".
All I can think about, right now, in this moment, 8:47 pm on Monday
August 14th…is that my little boy is starting kindergarten in two
weeks. TWO weeks…and I have let him down.
I have so many emotions whirling around me right now…I am trying
desperately to get this out through tears and a massive headache.
I have always been someone who feels like time is always one step
ahead and this is another occasion where I have simply ran out of time.
I had plans of hanging out at the pool or bike riding to the park…
Cuddling and playing "go fish" and racecars…
Moments of story-telling and question and answer…
My plans have not worked out it would seem.
Instead we have spent hours driving to Dr’s and testing centers…
days when "mommy" just couldn’t be fun…
moments when "mommy" just wasn’t there.
Moments I’d like to forget…
My children seeing me taken by ambulance from the Denver airport.
Jaden sharing his birthday with a visit to the ER for mom.
Madi asking me if I’d be alive on her birthday…
and countless times they sat in the Dr’s office waiting for results.
Moments I will never forget…
The precise moment I realized that life is too terribly short, that the ones that love me the most…are right here.
The endless moments I have realized who my real friends are.
The days and days of praying…and the gentle peace that finally came.
How do you let go of guilt you feel you shouldn’t be responsible for?
How do you make up all the moments lost?
How do you keep a smile for them when you are scared inside?
I have finally answered those questions for myself…
You just let go.
You make better moments.
You just keep smiling.
So to the update:
I’ve had some major tests come back and they were good results for
the most part. Right now the Dr’s think I have fibromyalgia or a few other things but are
My days are getting better. Some are almost normal
(minus the headaches) but some are a struggle (hopefully there will be
less of these).
I will share with you some photos that Jaden took on one of the good days…
5 I am amazed at how easily photography comes to him. I am glad in the
midst of this storm…we had some time together.
We were waiting for friends in Austin last week and he had the camera and my full attention and I had a moment where I felt time stop…literally.
This was one of the first full days I spent out of the house and it was fun…for us both:)
I guess I could show you the ones he took of the sky and my feet and the wall while trying to take these…but they are not great:)
I hope all of you are making your own special memories…
I have two weeks until my precious Jade is gone for 8 hrs a day…and I don’t plan on wasting one minute of it.
I may not be able to erase the past month…but I can certainly make it a smaller memory by creating bigger ones.